eniarelocin | Project Pollywog: 35 Weeks, 3 Days

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Project Pollywog: 35 Weeks, 3 Days

Hopefully this post will be much calmer than the one I intended to write last night.

I'm not sure where to start, so I suppose it will be the end and then we'll back up from there.

This stress thing is a vicious cycle. I worry too much. I guilt myself to pieces and then beat myself up with guilt for the damage I cause to myself by feeling guilty. I'm hardly sleeping and when I do my dreams are terrible.

I worry that I'm already a bad mother and that I'm permanently damaging my child before it has even had a chance to enter the world. I'm worried that I'm putting our home birth and natural birth in danger and I can't seem to fix it. And of course I'm worried about the money and the stress I cause to Stephen. I still worry that I've ruined his life.

I'm imagining big eyes reflecting off of the screen at this point. "What the hell are you on about, woman?" Well... this is where I back up and explain.

As I mentioned in passing before, between our 32 week and 34 week visits to the midwife I actually lost a little bit of weight. Not much. 1 lb. But I should have gained at least two. I've also been pretty tired (I'm sure that not sleeping helps tremendously with that). I haven't had much of an appetite since sometime in July and have pretty much been forcing myself to eat since then. Sometimes I do get genuinely hungry but one glass of water or soy milk will usually be all I need to fill up. My moods have been increasingly less predictable with larger swings and a lot more crying. Other than the losing weight thing (which never happens, believe me), most of this is reminiscent of skipping taking my thyroid medication.
However, on one last note of nutrition: my daily protein target intake is 80-100 grams. For Bradley class we are supposed to keep track of what we eat, add it up and turn that in every week. It's slipped a little in the last couple of weeks, I image, but when I actually add things up my average protein intake is actually over 100g of protein, sometimes over 120g. I'm sure it's slipped a little or at least been less consistent, but it should still be up there.

As a result of these things, Darlene requested that I go and see Dr. Mark, get blood work done, and my thyroid checked. I did so last Thursday. Yesterday he called and left a message regarding my results: My thyroid is low, my protein is low, I'm anemic, and my T cell count indicates I have an infection somewhere. Last time I was checked I was doing just fine. I spent last night very upset and very worried. Mom told me to knock it off, essentially, but that didn't help at all. In fact, some of her side comments made it a lot worse.

I'm very frustrated considering that I've been doing what I can to get enough protein, but it looks like maybe I need to diversify my sources. Less soy. More other things. That would be my first avenue of correction. Other than that, I know I need to eat more often but I'm not hungry. Dr. Mark intends to up my Cytomel (one of the two thyroid meds I take everyday) and perhaps that will help as well. Ideally I should just be eating more often, really. And getting more exercise. I've been very frustrated there as well because it seems so easy to over do it these days- the littlest things put my back out and me on the floor. Another downward spiral exists there, too: the less active I am, the heavier I feel.

The infection: I'm really hoping that this simply relates to the sinus infection that I've had all year. I know that it's active and I've been having more allergy symptoms in the last few weeks, so hopefully, hopefully that's all it is. And more so, I hope nothing is harming the baby. I'm sure more testing of some sort will be done in this area. Thank Gilroy that Dr. Mark and blood tests are the ONE AREA that this ridiculous insurance company seems to cover. And that's a whole other topic of worry.

We're not going to make it- we're not going to be able to pay Darlene next week, not all of it. I'm trying to think of everything I can reasonably sell in that time to come up with an extra $200.

This is not the start I wanted for our baby.

Edit: P.S.: This whole persistent anxiety attack thing this really devastating my work day. *Big. Thumbs. Down.*

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Sorry you're getting so stressed, especially at this late stage! It's not unusual to have a smaller appetite later in pregnancy for some women; after all your stomach is rather squashed! My mum tells me she ate practically nothing but milk for the last few months with my brother, but then he did turn up 5 weeks early so it probably wasn't ideal ;-)

I had big mood swings in the third trimester too. I got hysterical at times - I'm not proud of it but sometimes you just can't help it.

I hope things start looking up for you soon. It'll all be over before you know it and none of this will matter then, and you'll have your gorgeous baby in your arms :-)

Thank you for the support. Usually those thoughts help out a lot. It's the idea of lasting effects that scare the bigeebers (I have no idea how to spell that) out of me.

But I'm sure that stress and anxiety 1) don't help anything, and 2) are probably harming in and of themselves.

My mum tells me she ate practically nothing but milk for the last few months with my brother, but then he did turn up 5 weeks early so it probably wasn't ideal ;-)
When I feel like that's all I can stomach, I at least throw in protein shake mix along with it, so that should be helpful if nothing else.

I know what you mean. I would beat myself up endlessly over the things I did, like getting myself into a state, or falling over or working too hard and so on. Bethan (so far!) appears to be just fine! I think babies are stronger than we give them credit for - they have to be or we'd have died out long back. That's not to say doing things that aren't perfect doesn't increase risks though, but if you can't eat properly, you can't eat properly. Your body will protect baby first, which could well be why you're feeling a bit crap and suffering.

My brother may have been 5 weeks early but he came out pretty much fit as a fiddle (he was only in special care as a precaution) and you wouldn't meet a fitter chap now, with no health problems whatsoever.

It sounds like you're doing the best you can. I know it's hard not to beat yourself up about it when things aren't ideal, but you're trying your best and I'm sure there will be no long term problems :D

I guess the thing to remember here is that I'm eating like a champ compared to most people I see around here. I've been aiming for 80-100g of protein a day and now my doctor wants me to hit 100 or more. Many people aren't even bothering to get 50g/day. So I'm hoping that this still means my chances for toxemia are low.

But yes, I digress.

I am seriously annoyed that little changes in chemistry can have such an effect on me. However, my mind is mighty (though somewhat distracted much of the time). And there is only a month left to go, potentially. We're a week and a half away from full term and our car seat has arrived (even though we don't get it until the baby shower). Somehow knowing that we are, in essence, ready should baby decide to make an early appearance makes me feel much better.

As long as we all come out healthy it's fine. And that's the most important thing.

It sounds like you're doing really well and being really conscientious :-)

It's amazing what pregnancy does to one's moods, and rather distressing too. Most of the time you can be self-aware and overcome it, but sometimes, well, there are always going to be slip ups!

Bethan is one year old a week Tuesday. She was due on the same date yours is.. Even though I was glad to see her early, and I knew she was full term, it was a huge shock!! I hadn't cleaned the living room or sorted out all sorts of little things! But in the end, none of that mattered *at all* - it mattered when I realised I was in labour but afterwards - it was no problem really. You're nearly there! :-)

I hadn't cleaned the living room or sorted out all sorts of little things!

Oh aye... it's the bedroom I worry about! Especially with the prospect of home birth. It should be in much better shape than it is- and the adjoining bathroom. I keep getting one room in really good shape, or all of downstairs and then suddenly it's a mess again. Oh well... but I think the bedroom does need some attention.

It's amazing what pregnancy does to one's moods, and rather distressing too.
That coupled with the thyroid imbalances that I'm accustomed to dealing with = crazy Raine. I'm sure Stephen is loving every second of this! Oh well... almost there.

Hehe - I decided we had to go to the hospital (even though they wanted me to go anyway as she was a day early) simply because I hadn't sorted the bathroom or the living room out yet so I totally understand! If I'd had the house ready, I might've stood my ground. It's never too soon!!

I have this conflicting feeling of readiness/anxiousness in thinking that it could happen any time now and yet it still likely to be a month... which is sort of frustrating, but necessary. Or at least potentially necessary.

I definitely need the time to get more things ready, but although I think I've been pretty patient, the patience is wearing a little thinner now.

It's frustrating that when you're at your weakest, there is so much to prepare!

I hope you don't end up waiting too long :-)

Me neither, but I definitely want baby to get all the cooking time it needs!

Exactly :-) I was very glad that Bethan was quite clearly "done"! Given she was 7.5lbs at 37 weeks, I shudder to think what she'd have been like at 41/42 weeks..

Though I have not met you in person, you look rather wee from your pictures... I fear had she been any bigger she would have burst forth like the creature from Alien.

Of course, she does look quite healthy (did in her photos) and it sounds like she was ready to take on the world!

Alas, I'm pretty much a medium frame and more of a size (UK) 14/16 but I appreciate the sentiment! :D Having said that, I did get rather huge by the end so it would have been pretty awful to go another three weeks like that, getting bigger all the time!

She was most definitely healthy - apgars of 9 and 10 and free to go as soon as she was checked over :-)

Well I'm glad everything worked out well.

I guess from here on out with us we just keep you all posted.

I look forward to hearing the good news!! :D :D

you know... some of us that have been invited to this baby celebration on the 15th might be persuaded to give our shower gifts early in the form of a monetary contribution to the home-birth fund since that's what's most important to you right now... as for the other stuff... a 1 lb drop is not much, I lost more than that at the end with Maya... it's pretty typical for those of us with some extra junk watching our diets while we're pregnant. and as for the infection... if the only thing (other than typical pregnancy ailments) plaguing you has been your sinuses then chances are that's your infection.. usually your body lets you know if it's more serious than that.

I agree with the comment before, in a few weeks you're not even going to be thinking about this stuff because it's going to work out one way or another and then you'll wonder why you put yourself through it to begin with. So, while your Mom might not have said it quite the right way, she's got a good point.. I won't say knock it off but you definitely should not be panicking. Sometimes we have to make a conscious decision to not let the worry get the best of us and then work to keep it, it's not easy but it can be done if that's what we want. I know I have to do it everyday, some days I'm better at it and some days I suck, but I do my best to keep trying. *HUGS*

I guess I probably shouldn't post when I'm upset, huh.

Thanks for the well wishes. I know I should chill the frickity frick out... why is that so hard sometimes?

*sigh*

Went for a walk earlier with a friend and played with little kids at the playground. That is always uplifting. I suppose it helps to remember that, as

poggs said, stress is bad for mom and baby.

And I just got off the phone with my Doctor: I'm supposed to further up my protein and iron intake and not worry too much about the infection- at least not until we hear what Darlene's position on that will be. He agreed that it's likely my sinuses and that it will likely resolve itself when the baby comes out and my body is free to mount a full immune attack. Guess I should have thought of that.

Anyway, if you want to make a contribution to the cost of the birth, it is much appreciated. Our deadline is Thursday evening, 13 September. Suppose I ought to make a post to that effect.

Thanks for the support. Sometimes I just need someone to run up and slap me in order for me to calm down.

(deleted comment)

Well, as much as I hate talking about these things (I'm terrible and I should get over it, I know!)...

There is a PayPal donation button on the Pollywog Site. Or, my [non-business] paypal address is rainephotography@gmail.com.

But seriously, you don't have to.

(deleted comment)

o_O Thank you!

Stephen has confirmed this. We are much appreciative and that much closer.

Thank you from us both!

Hi,
I'm actually writing because I saw your post in the photo community saying that you were thinking of selling your canon rebel? I was wondering if I could get more information about it/what your asking price is?

Thanks,
Lan

The camera I have is a Canon EOS Rebel XT which I bought 2 years ago as a back up camera. It's in like new condition. This is the current description on Canon's site: http://www.usa.canon.com/consumer/controller?act=ModelInfoAct&fcategoryid=139&modelid=11154

They are still going for about $200 new. I'm asking only $100. I am selling the body only.

I also have a Canon 200E Speedlite, also in like new condition, for $35 that I would love to send along with it.

If you want to give me your email address I'll send over pics. Or email me at rainephotography@gmail.com

I do know nothing about thyroid probs but 4 weeks ago today I gave birth to my first child, my baby girl Kaya. I only put on 1 stone throughout my pregnancy because I couldn't eat, she arrived 5 days early but she was (and still is) perfect. Just gas and air, no interventions needed to pull her out etc - went very well. Don't panic too much. I panicked a lot thinking I was damaging my baby and it turns out she was fine. I did myself more damage by panicking. It's hard not to but everything will be fine. My protein was non-existent, tried everything I could think of to up it and it never worked. Don't think you can get Marmite over there, but you could ask Poggs to send you some maybe, it's full of iron and that's how I helped keep my iron levels better. Don't panic, you're a good mum now and you'll be a good mum when he/she's born.

Oh please no! I fear the Marmite!

Thank you. I'm doing my best to just remain calm at this point... to remember my zen. My doctor is adjusting my thyroid levels and that should help all around as it makes a huge difference for my appetite and anxiety levels. It's an odd thing.

Congratulations on your little girl! I'm assuming that's her in your user icon there. She looks very sweet. :) (I took the liberty of popping over to your journal. I'm glad your birth went well, and QUICK! from the sounds of it, though I'm sorry breastfeeding didn't.)

I'm sorry bout the breastfeeding too, but she's happy and we're all happier that she's happy (makes for less tears over all!).

That is her, yep. I like that pic because her face etc is all squished up and weird looking. Sometimes she looks cute, sometimes I wonder what I gave birth to when she pulls faces!

Got to go, if I don't feed her she gets mad...

Got to go, if I don't feed her she gets mad...

Perfectly understandable... I look forward to seeing the two of you grow!

Eek :( Stress is no good...
I've got an idea! We should take our knitting needles(crochet hook for me) and maybe head someplace woodsy and make afghans and chat?? Thats relaxing, ventable and getting something done all at the same time! There is no denying its greatness! That is if you still want to knit ofcourse....
I'm damn sure you will do just fine, the wee one is good, and that everything will turn out well :)
*biggest dweezley hugs ever*

considering that I'm still working on your scarf from last xmas... this is probably not a bad plan. I don't know exactly when that would happen- I want to get some organizing done in here (which always makes me feel better) and then Kevbo is in town this weekend so I'm sort of expecting to seeing him Sunday...

But give me a call and we'll figure out when that shall happen. There are always evenings after work. I tried to call you last night to see if you were free as I had the whole house to myself... but I didn't get through. Sadness.

Anyhoot... speak to you soon! Have you re-added me as a friend yet?!

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Project Pollywog: 35 Weeks, 3 Days

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fruitcake escape!

Re: fruitcake escape!