eniarelocin (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
eniarelocin) wrote2007-10-04 10:59 pm
eniarelocin) wrote2007-10-04 10:59 pm
Entry tags:
Project Pollywog: 39 Weeks, 3 Days | Butterfly Day
Where was I? *Ahem*
That was a much needed and much restorative nap, btw.
At this point our appointments pretty much center around basic questions of how I am feeling, if I have any questions of my own, blood pressure, and the baby's heart beat. We did talk about more questions to do with posterior presentation, but when I laid down for her to feel the baby and we found it really had rolled over, most of those questions became obsolete. It is not facing fully anterior, by the way, but the fact that it's facing to the right is just as good as far as Darlene is concerned (or so it seems) as, from her experience, it is almost certain to turn correctly in labor from that position. She noted that it is indeed getting very low at this point. I've definitely felt a further drop since the beginning of the week. I imagine this is a result of the baby getting into a better position (but that's not an official, medically supported answer of course). Either way, baby is in a good place. The heart beat is strong and reacts appropriately when the baby moves. My blood pressure was elevated a little bit, but we're not concerned about it. I blame the mocha. ;)
The best thing to come out of this appointment, in my opinion, is the rental of a birth tub. Darlene needs photos and we all want me to get to labor in a tub... so we're doing a bit of bartering on this one. It's nice to have marketable skills. Anyhoot, we weren't able to get one from the place in Seattle because we waited too long and they're booked. So, we're getting one from Everett which I have to go and collect tomorrow. This does mean more work for us as we have to assemble and disassemble the thing ourselves, but it doesn't look like that will be too great a challenge. It's the same tub, and will come sterilized and plastic wrapped. The tentative plan is not to set up the tub until we will need it as assembly is supposed to be fairly quick and uncomplicated. This will hopefully prevent it sitting out collecting dust, hair, germs(?), and worst of all: cat damage. We break it, we buy it. So I don't want claws anywhere near the thing. But anyway... hurray! It's paid for and ready for us to collect. Knowing it will be available to labor in is so comforting to me.
Other than that, we have been instructed to get Evening Primrose Oil for me to take daily. This apparently converts naturally to Prostaglandin and will aid in the ripening of my cervix in preparation for labor. This is proof positive that we're really here now. We're not trying to prevent labor, we're trying to aid it. Any time now. Although, I do also have a bottle of red wine handy in the event that we get false labor going and it's more exhausting than productive. This is less likely now that the baby has turned, but Darlene recommended 4 oz of red wine should I need a break from contractions. She has assured us that if it really is real labor the wine will not stop it. Also, our breast pump arrived today, so if we want to try and get labor going, that's a very viable natural option. TMI, I'm sure, but here we are.
2 Years ago is the day our Little Butterfly flew away. I've just read my posts about that... and well I've rather lost what I was planning to say. An excerpt from that post:
"...We were talking further about a dream he'd had the night before which he'd begun to explain in the morning. In the dream, we were at the doctor's office. They brought some sort of TV device over in front of my belly so they could see the baby inside. But they didn't see a baby. They saw a butterfly. However, it was not a normal butterfly. It had a little face and little hands... it was a cross between a baby and a butterfly. The doctor said this was very rare and that most people don't know it can happen. It was still alive and sort of a baby, but it would never be a normal baby. He said it wouldn't take as long to gestate. He also said we'd have to let it go right away. And the butterfly flies away.
"I'd discussed this with Peggy, my boss in the Photo Dept., who agreed that it was a sign of what would happen and what this meant for us as well. Butterflies could mean transformation- that our lives would change, and more so our minds. This dream made me worry because I didn't want the butterfly to fly away, I wanted the baby. But a couple of hours later it became clear that the butterfly wouldn't stay. Our Little Butterfly, Peggy called it. That is how we call it now, and will remember it.
As I lay on the bed with Stephen, held tight in his arms and still partially composed, I asked if we could call it our Little Butterfly. He then proceeded to tell me about another part of his dream while tears welled in his eyes.
He had seen a little blue thing on the window sill. I'm unclear on the details of all of this, but it sounded as though the little blue thing was energy/life, or at least a little piece of it. He looked at it and watched it. It looked something a marble mixed with a pill bug (I guess). While he watched that he also notice a spider. It was blue with reddish orange spots with black and white speckles. He said that its movement was fascinating and so captivated his attention that he could only watch as it attacked the blue thing. He shoed it away after a moment but by then the spider had already killed the blue thing. There was some white goo stuff on the blue thing and he wasn't sure if it was coming out of it or if it had been left by the spider.
He cried with me at this point. We cried so hard. He said he felt helpless. He should have done better at protecting it and, in turn, the baby. I tried to tell him he couldn't have, but I knew how he felt. I quit smoking, drinking alcohol and caffeine, and tried to eat good things but I still think it's not enough. If I'd have known sooner or stressed out less maybe things would be different now. I thought all of those things then as I do now. But I'm glad for just feeling them. I glad to have just cried. I sobbed and choked, feeling as though a piece of me had been torn out. It still feels that way. He cried and squeezed me, previously unaware he could be so shaken by this..."
It's still hard to even think about how I felt then. I've cried about it so many times... almost daily until this winter. This is also largely why I waited so long to take a pregnancy test. I was so afraid it would say no, or that even if it said yes it wouldn't last. I've always been so afraid our Little Butterfly would never come back. So many times during this pregnancy I've asked Stephen hopefully if he thought this was it. I guess we were both waiting and hoping he would have another dream but he never has. It's hard to think that this might not be the same thing (and I'm sure that this entire rationale doesn't make a lot of sense)... somehow if it's a girl, we know it is... and if it's a boy, it's not. I don't know really why, but that's just how it feels.
Nothing hurts like that did... and still does really. Even now I'm crying (which is doing my sinuses no favours). The thought that happening again still scares me... it is still with trepidation that assume this baby will be fine. To me it's still not fine until the baby is safely in our arms, breathing and aware. I've been told that this is somewhat ridiculous, but I guess this is something you have to experience to understand. That day, when I was home with Stephen and I really let it out was the hardest I think I've ever cried in my life. I never want to feel that again, but at the same time I can't let it go entirely either because somehow that seems like saying I don't care.
It's amazing how much that day changed me, and changed us. I don't think I could possibly describe it right now. I think in hindsight that it was not the right time for us. Possibly, this was the catalyst to the rest of our lives, or at least the second one. Sometimes I find a tiny amount of comfort in knowing that because the butterfly didn't stay we were able to have our beautiful wedding and this time together to be a married couple. And other times none of that matters. I'm sure that if nothing else, it will help us to love this baby that much more. And I hope that baby will know how much we wanted it, that I asked and prayed for it, and that it already means more to me than I could ever have imagined.
Please, please, please let this baby be born safely. Please let it be healthy and fine. Please help us do a good job as parents, to love it so much, and to take care of it through anything life throws at us. Above all, please help us in ensuring that this little life is allowed to grow and thrive, that it will always know how much love we have for this person. Please let it be ok. Please let us meet our Little Butterfly.
That was a much needed and much restorative nap, btw.
Midwife Appointment, Part 2.
At this point our appointments pretty much center around basic questions of how I am feeling, if I have any questions of my own, blood pressure, and the baby's heart beat. We did talk about more questions to do with posterior presentation, but when I laid down for her to feel the baby and we found it really had rolled over, most of those questions became obsolete. It is not facing fully anterior, by the way, but the fact that it's facing to the right is just as good as far as Darlene is concerned (or so it seems) as, from her experience, it is almost certain to turn correctly in labor from that position. She noted that it is indeed getting very low at this point. I've definitely felt a further drop since the beginning of the week. I imagine this is a result of the baby getting into a better position (but that's not an official, medically supported answer of course). Either way, baby is in a good place. The heart beat is strong and reacts appropriately when the baby moves. My blood pressure was elevated a little bit, but we're not concerned about it. I blame the mocha. ;)
The best thing to come out of this appointment, in my opinion, is the rental of a birth tub. Darlene needs photos and we all want me to get to labor in a tub... so we're doing a bit of bartering on this one. It's nice to have marketable skills. Anyhoot, we weren't able to get one from the place in Seattle because we waited too long and they're booked. So, we're getting one from Everett which I have to go and collect tomorrow. This does mean more work for us as we have to assemble and disassemble the thing ourselves, but it doesn't look like that will be too great a challenge. It's the same tub, and will come sterilized and plastic wrapped. The tentative plan is not to set up the tub until we will need it as assembly is supposed to be fairly quick and uncomplicated. This will hopefully prevent it sitting out collecting dust, hair, germs(?), and worst of all: cat damage. We break it, we buy it. So I don't want claws anywhere near the thing. But anyway... hurray! It's paid for and ready for us to collect. Knowing it will be available to labor in is so comforting to me.
Other than that, we have been instructed to get Evening Primrose Oil for me to take daily. This apparently converts naturally to Prostaglandin and will aid in the ripening of my cervix in preparation for labor. This is proof positive that we're really here now. We're not trying to prevent labor, we're trying to aid it. Any time now. Although, I do also have a bottle of red wine handy in the event that we get false labor going and it's more exhausting than productive. This is less likely now that the baby has turned, but Darlene recommended 4 oz of red wine should I need a break from contractions. She has assured us that if it really is real labor the wine will not stop it. Also, our breast pump arrived today, so if we want to try and get labor going, that's a very viable natural option. TMI, I'm sure, but here we are.
Butterfly Day
2 Years ago is the day our Little Butterfly flew away. I've just read my posts about that... and well I've rather lost what I was planning to say. An excerpt from that post:
"...We were talking further about a dream he'd had the night before which he'd begun to explain in the morning. In the dream, we were at the doctor's office. They brought some sort of TV device over in front of my belly so they could see the baby inside. But they didn't see a baby. They saw a butterfly. However, it was not a normal butterfly. It had a little face and little hands... it was a cross between a baby and a butterfly. The doctor said this was very rare and that most people don't know it can happen. It was still alive and sort of a baby, but it would never be a normal baby. He said it wouldn't take as long to gestate. He also said we'd have to let it go right away. And the butterfly flies away.
"I'd discussed this with Peggy, my boss in the Photo Dept., who agreed that it was a sign of what would happen and what this meant for us as well. Butterflies could mean transformation- that our lives would change, and more so our minds. This dream made me worry because I didn't want the butterfly to fly away, I wanted the baby. But a couple of hours later it became clear that the butterfly wouldn't stay. Our Little Butterfly, Peggy called it. That is how we call it now, and will remember it.
As I lay on the bed with Stephen, held tight in his arms and still partially composed, I asked if we could call it our Little Butterfly. He then proceeded to tell me about another part of his dream while tears welled in his eyes.
He had seen a little blue thing on the window sill. I'm unclear on the details of all of this, but it sounded as though the little blue thing was energy/life, or at least a little piece of it. He looked at it and watched it. It looked something a marble mixed with a pill bug (I guess). While he watched that he also notice a spider. It was blue with reddish orange spots with black and white speckles. He said that its movement was fascinating and so captivated his attention that he could only watch as it attacked the blue thing. He shoed it away after a moment but by then the spider had already killed the blue thing. There was some white goo stuff on the blue thing and he wasn't sure if it was coming out of it or if it had been left by the spider.
He cried with me at this point. We cried so hard. He said he felt helpless. He should have done better at protecting it and, in turn, the baby. I tried to tell him he couldn't have, but I knew how he felt. I quit smoking, drinking alcohol and caffeine, and tried to eat good things but I still think it's not enough. If I'd have known sooner or stressed out less maybe things would be different now. I thought all of those things then as I do now. But I'm glad for just feeling them. I glad to have just cried. I sobbed and choked, feeling as though a piece of me had been torn out. It still feels that way. He cried and squeezed me, previously unaware he could be so shaken by this..."
It's still hard to even think about how I felt then. I've cried about it so many times... almost daily until this winter. This is also largely why I waited so long to take a pregnancy test. I was so afraid it would say no, or that even if it said yes it wouldn't last. I've always been so afraid our Little Butterfly would never come back. So many times during this pregnancy I've asked Stephen hopefully if he thought this was it. I guess we were both waiting and hoping he would have another dream but he never has. It's hard to think that this might not be the same thing (and I'm sure that this entire rationale doesn't make a lot of sense)... somehow if it's a girl, we know it is... and if it's a boy, it's not. I don't know really why, but that's just how it feels.
Nothing hurts like that did... and still does really. Even now I'm crying (which is doing my sinuses no favours). The thought that happening again still scares me... it is still with trepidation that assume this baby will be fine. To me it's still not fine until the baby is safely in our arms, breathing and aware. I've been told that this is somewhat ridiculous, but I guess this is something you have to experience to understand. That day, when I was home with Stephen and I really let it out was the hardest I think I've ever cried in my life. I never want to feel that again, but at the same time I can't let it go entirely either because somehow that seems like saying I don't care.
It's amazing how much that day changed me, and changed us. I don't think I could possibly describe it right now. I think in hindsight that it was not the right time for us. Possibly, this was the catalyst to the rest of our lives, or at least the second one. Sometimes I find a tiny amount of comfort in knowing that because the butterfly didn't stay we were able to have our beautiful wedding and this time together to be a married couple. And other times none of that matters. I'm sure that if nothing else, it will help us to love this baby that much more. And I hope that baby will know how much we wanted it, that I asked and prayed for it, and that it already means more to me than I could ever have imagined.
Please, please, please let this baby be born safely. Please let it be healthy and fine. Please help us do a good job as parents, to love it so much, and to take care of it through anything life throws at us. Above all, please help us in ensuring that this little life is allowed to grow and thrive, that it will always know how much love we have for this person. Please let it be ok. Please let us meet our Little Butterfly.
no subject
I also put evening primrose oil where the sun don't shine - I only did it once though because she showed up the next day ;-)
I don't think I can ever look on October fondly though - I've lost 3 out of 4 babies in October, so I know how you feel. I hope October can be turned into a happier month for you now!
no subject
Anyway... thanks for your thoughts and words. I'm really impressed with how well you're handling your current situation. I think I'd be losing it, or have long since lost it. It's such a crazy change- and just so amazing how powerfully these things effect us. I suppose now I can have a better understanding and appreciation for how my own parents, or other parents, have felt at times.
We've since discovered that the loss was inevitable due to low progesterone levels... in fact I think we probably had a couple more of those, but I couldn't say definitively. The only reason this one 'stuck' was that at the time of ovulation I took 3-5 times my usual dosage and my doctor immediately prescribed me a higher dosage just to make sure it would stick. "We're not losing this one," he said. Guess it worked.
I'm still not sure how I feel about the other possible losses, especially knowing what I know now. But I guess the bottom line is that I really felt like that was the time, and I feel like we're ready for this one (as much as anyone can be).
Fertility is all such a crazy mess. It's odd to think sometimes that my numbers are probably closer to yours, but I imagine it has to feel different given that you've had a successful pregnancy. You could basically summarize my position as incredibly cynical and believing there was never hope, would never be hope. I hope it's comforting to you to know that it can work, that it has worked before... and that you got a beautiful little girl out of it.
no subject
It must have been bittersweet getting married around the due date. I was very grateful to be pregnant and able to feel the baby by the time the due date came round for me. Now I have a new due date to dwell on - I only hope I can be pregnant for that one too! Ironically, it's my granny's birthday :-(
I'm very glad they found out what your problem was. I know progesterone isn't a problem with me because they tested me at 5 weeks and it was 49! Also the fact I seem to cheerfully hold onto non viable pregnancies probably suggests it isn't a problem either. I spot a lot with all pregnancies which can be a sign of low progesterone but it obviously isn't in my case now. It must be very hard for you to think of what might have been with the right treatment. I have a certain amount of peace in that it's clear mine never had a chance from the moment of conception. My way of dealing with it is to imagine that they're making way for the baby we now have (and is yet to come) which we wouldn't have otherwise had. And who knows if subsequent babies are the other ones just waiting for a while to come back? I like to think that.
I know it did work for me once, but even though it's illogical to think it, I wonder if it was a fluke, or if the fact that two years have gone past and I'm not getting any younger and now my eggs have gone to pot. Of course it's all probably not true but you know how our minds work. All I know is that it's going to be a lot harder than I planned to get a big family, assuming we manage it!
I hope yesterday wasn't too painful for you, and I really hope you're holding your gorgeous healthy new little one very, very soon! It really is all worth it, the pain and anguish and worry, that is one thing I am certain of.
no subject
But beyond that, I really am getting anxious- especially after all of the loss talk. Guess we'll see what the evening primrose does...
somehow I have it in my head that I'm going to home get some rest and get going. Though I'm sure that's a load of bollocks.
I don't really want to wait past next week, though.
*must be patient*
*must be patient*
*must be patient*
no subject
It will be totally fine. I've been hanging out on forums for years now and I often lurk on the boards where people's time has come. There's about 150-200 women per month board. It is so, so, rare to lose a baby at that point. Sure, loads are lost in the first trimester (loads!!) and a couple are sadly lost in the second, and there are maybe a few preemies around 30 weeks, but babies lost during birth after reaching term? Not a sausage. I think I've maybe seen one in two years, and believe me if it happens it's all over the boards so I wouldn't have missed it. You're not going to be a bad statistic, especially not with the style of birth you're going for :D
Go home and have some rest - a cliché you've no doubt heard plenty but seriously, it'll be your last chance for a while! I'm still cross at Bethan for not letting me have a few days of just sleeping like I'd planned!! In fact, she turned up just after I had a nap and I was feeling all chilled out. I've read that babies like to come when you're all relaxed, so there's a good incentive for you! :-)
no subject
And, if Stephen starts freaking out that he didn't get another week, I'll gently point out that he will get to miss the last baby class that he really doesn't want to have to attend!
Score all around. (You know it's not going to happen for two more weeks now.)
no subject
It was. It really was.
That wasn't why chose the wedding date... but yeah. *le sigh*
Going home now. Going home to relax.