Half

[eniarelocin]

This is how I deal with things at 3am when my mind is full and I can't sleep.

Half

Half. Half his. Half hers. Division. Division of property, mind, union, and responsibility. Half his. Half hers. And half mine. I am the two parts into one. Problems, issues, habits, talents, all rolled into a collaboration of effort, of biology. Me. I see the origin of my makeup in their faces and perceptions, their needs and their woes.

Pain. Years of it rolled into a festering wound shared all the members of our torn little family. It’s so apparent in everyone. So much repression, guarding, avoidance of this pain. The treasures have been lost and foregone in trade for this toxic commodity.

There is such a great amount that I wonder where it could possibly have been stored until I look into the mirror. And then I see it- hanging from me, insulating me in a cocoon of depression and dysfunction separating the self in my mind from the rest of the world. Perhaps it’s the baby fat of the psyche that I’ve never grown out of, or perhaps that came when needed but never left. Is it needed now? Surely I must have learned better ways of protecting myself.

Protection. Or should I say the lack thereof. They each utilized their own methods of protecting themselves and in so doing neglected the precious treasures of their marriage: trust, security, love, us. We had no guardian angel. We had only ourselves and each other against the world, and them. We were left vulnerable, so vulnerable to the world and all of its villains. Our innocence was traded for defenses and a continuation of the very tendencies and actions which devoured it, and us.

Love and Hate. Why must they coincide? Two of the world’s most powerful forces pitted together against the same recipient, the same target. Love allows for a collection of hate which could not possible amass in its absence. But once the love subsides we see the hate in all its ugliness with no buffer of acceptance and tolerance. Perhaps hate is bred in dependence which in we in turn hate for our participation in codependence. And perhaps it could all have been averted with communication. Regardless, here we are, wallowing in our rage and rubble, confused and alone in the company of our co-conspirators.

Forgiveness. After all this is what we are left with. We have the choice to move on, collect the shattered pieces of ourselves and our relationships, and go forward- or cut our losses and dissolve. Forgiveness is a freeing act. If accomplished, love and hate have battled it out and love has won. But no matter the winner the process is painful. Forgiveness is drawing a line in the sand of life and deciding to stand on the side of the future. Unfortunately, this doesn’t mean that the things on the side of past disappear. They are still there nipping at our heels no matter how many steps forward we take simply by virtue of their involvement our development. Forgive, but don’t forget- learn.

Mine and Yours. This is a dangerous division. It is healthy and correct to take ownership of behaviours and actions which we take that are unhealthy. But in the end, it is all ours. Being in a relationship is an agreement. If you stand there and allow things to occur which are unhealthy and destructive, they become yours purely by enabling them to exist and continue. A relationship is the sum of contributions by both parties. The resulting entity is created by the dynamic of both participants. There is no mine and yours, there is only ours.

Change. By definition, repeating the same actions expecting different results is insanity. After 25 years, if the behaviours have not changed enough to produce necessary and desired change it is time to do something different. Change is healthy and necessary. Change in its most extreme forms are traditionally viewed and approached with fear by mankind, and therefore viewed to be negative. Change is only negative when met with resistance, avoidance, denial, or any combination of the three. When embraced it has great power to move. Movement is necessary for life, and for growth.

I guess we all get tired of crying eventually.

Comments

[ebonyraine.livejournal.com]

I hear you got your window kicked in by some bums or something...


How are you, anyway? I know you said 'fine' but is everything ok? I would like to come up and see you- chat and have sibling time. What's your schedule like? And happy last day of work, btw.